The Pregnancy and Postpartum Experience Nobody Prepared Queer Moms For
Many queer intended moms have the experience of one person in the couple being pregnant while the other is not. This experience can sometimes feel uncomfortable for the non-carrying partner to some degree.
We all are shaped by a society that views women and mothers as having certain roles, and to various degrees some queer women may, consciously or not, hold to these roles more loosely or tightly, than others. The non-carrying partner may become more of a caregiver to their pregnant partner. In a male-centered society, there are a lot of narratives out there about men who do not do enough for their pregnant wives or their babies.
So, for many queer moms, sometimes the non-carrying partner may be sensitive to being viewed in as a “dad” or the “man in the relationship.”
This can sometimes feel like homophobia to the nongestational partner and can feel dismaying. Gestational moms may be unaware that their nongestational partners have this reaction, in spite of sharing the identity of a queer woman. This can get pretty complicated, pretty fast! As a result, there are sometimes strongly negative feelings, and even high conflict, in couples during the pregnancy and postpartum periods. The pregnant partner can feel deeply vulnerable having many more physical challenges, and may expect to cared for by their nongestational partner.
Not surprisingly, and like many couples in general, if expectations are not met (even non-stated ones), resentments between the two can build significantly and for many different reasons.
Couples can get caught up in a scenario in which they are playing certain roles with each other, consciously or unconsciously, influenced by the wider cisheteropatriarchy we all live in and internalize to some degree.
The postpartum periods can be an especially salient time that queer moms experience in different ways. We’re talking about the effects of splitting “motherhood.” In heterosexual couples that have a baby, it is often assumed that the mom will make her own decisions about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, specifically. Another narrative that exists in our society is that the mom makes all the decisions about childrearing. Queer moms often unconsciously internalize these expectations about their own roles in decision-making. Sometimes queer moms both feel that they have more authority to make decisions for their baby, and then what happens? For example, they may hold competing opinions about breastfeeding or formula feeding within the couple. On the one hand, postpartum moms may feel strongly about their own bodily autonomy (and in this case to choose for themselves whether or not they want to breastfeed), and the nongestational partner can sometimes feel shut out of the decision-making while they are simultaneously socialized to feel responsible for making child rearing decisions (due to gender expectations). Sometimes dynamics in the family of origins, and sometimes mothers-in-law in particular, can have strong opinions. Again, things can get very complicated, and sometimes very tense, very fast.
There are some unique challenges for queer moms in particular which can be huge surprises for new queer moms. It can be helpful to talk to other queer moms about their experiences to have a sense about how others have managed these challenges or to even learn about potential unique challenges that may come up in the first place.
It is often especially hard to manage things that are unanticipated, many LGBTQIA+ intended parents are pioneers and are charting their own territory.
Sometimes, even anticipating these challenges is not enough and additional support is needed. This might be the case if you are finding yourself experiencing particularly intense conflict with your spouse/partner or your own family or origin or in-laws, in the pregnancy and postpartum periods. In this case, seeking additional support through specific consultation around LGBTQIA+ family building can be extremely helpful.
Webster Clinic Note
Our psychiatrists are Harvard-trained, board-certified physicians who provide integrated psychotherapy and medication management within a single, ongoing therapeutic relationship. We see children as young as five, adolescents, college students, and adults including LGBTQ+ and BIPOC patients seeking affirming care.
Jacqueline Buchanan, MD
